I have a brilliant idea!

I have a brilliant idea!

Now before you say, "Come on Fletch, we have heard this all before", I want you to imagine something. Close your eyes but keep reading. I know that’s hard but, like all great ideas, they can be a challenge. In your mind, picture a lonely country road. One side, a mountain reaches to the heavens, the other, a raging river cuts a path through a hidden gorge. The sun is rising, casting long shadows, a delicate mist rising slowly above the landscape. The only sound is water making its way downstream, punctuated by bird calls and wind rustling through an ancient forest. The air is cool, the smell of sweet orange blossom and rich earthy wood. It is as if Adam and Eve are about to doom humanity all over again. But then the sound changes..... Heavy breathing, expletives, coughing and spluttering.  The smell changes from floral notes to wet socks and three day old jocks.  Then a lone cyclist rounds the bend, wishing he was never born, wishing he could just stop living at that moment in time.

That lone cyclist is me and my brilliant idea is to ride solo from the bottom of Japan to the very top. I am a keen cyclist. I love lycra. I love its ability to make an old guy look like a beluga whale. There is nothing more appealing to a woman. My wife always comments on how lycra can stretch so far without bursting. She says I am like a lycra test dummy. I push the envelope every time I slip into those sexy padded shorts. It’s like wearing a more comfortable incontinence nappy but man, your butt thanks you! I guess, if you really get caught short, you could use it as one too. The science is still out on that. Lycra makes you feel good on a bike. You feel fast, like you are on Le Tour. You know car drivers love to see you on the road from the friendly beeps they give you as they drive past. Some of them even like to shout from open windows, “Keep going mate, you look amazing in that tight gear, take your time, I’m in no rush to get past you”. Drivers are such friendly people. Now I don’t know what they are like in Japan but surely they are as tolerant as Australian motorists.... I guess I will find out.

So the training has begun. I am riding all the hills I can find, getting fit, working out, shedding weight. Soon I will learn how to change a tyre with my feet just in case I break both my arms in a freak tent erection exercise. I have just received my new tent by the way. It is the same shape and size as a coffin. I don’t know why but I guess it is all about efficiency. I am learning all about Japanese cuisine too, from Shirako (creamy fish sperm) to Shiokara (fermented squid guts). I can’t wait to immerse myself in the culture, just checking now if they have McDonalds. 

So the purpose of this trip will be to take photographs. There is no better way to get shots than from a bike, with the exception being by car, a boat, a bullet train, helicopter or private jet. It is a carbon neutral way to travel, unless I eat the fermented squid guts, then there could be some methane produced which is really bad! Better stick to McDonalds as that isn’t food, no greenhouse gasses from that!

I’m not sure what direction I will take, it will depend on photo ops and location of vending machines. If I run out of underwear I can always buy some, just hope they have some unused ones in my size! I plan on going to Fukushima Fish & Chips along the way, they get glowing reviews. I hate to eat and run but maybe that would be a wise choice. I will have to take in Mount Fuji of course and do a tour of the Toyota factory where there is a shine dedicated to the FJ Cruiser (see previous newsletters for the relevance). I also want to go to that massive crosswalk and play Frogger with all the other tourists. There is also an 8.8 metre tapeworm on display at the Meguro Parasitological Museum which is a must see. And a big hit with everybody, the Unko (Poop) Museum. My wife will make me go to the Gotokuji Cat Temple, just hope I don’t get that mixed up with the red light district. Anyhoo, it is going to be an absolute blast. Only about 3000kms of riding and a few dangerous animals like bears, wild boars, snakes, centipedes, ticks and Hello Kitty.

Stay tuned for updates on my progress towards Japan 2027.  It is going to be hotter than a nuclear meltdown!……… too soon?

Next month - "A Moment of Stillness", my solo exhibition, at the amazing Saltwater Busselton begins on 27th June.